why i stay invested

Warning; there are some spoilers in here about the final twilight series plot points, but as I don't expect any twelve year old girls to be reading this, I'm going to go ahead and assume no one really cares. in fact, kudos to you if you can stomach this whole trip.

Despite the irrational and eternal love I harbor for the Twilight series, I am well aware that it is, in fact, horrible writing. Meyer drones on for more than 1500 pages in some of the least inspiring or creative prose that has ever managed to garner this much hype.. It does, however, have one of the most pathetically relatable female characters ever. Regardless of how that sounds, it turned out to be a marketing goldmine. Also, the plot is pretty damn creative (You might disagree-- until you've read the 4th book. You can't make this shit up. Well, Meyer did. Whatever, you know what I mean).

Meyer's Bella Swann is much, much, much different than Kristen Stewart's horribly misleading conception of Bella. Stewart, while succeeding in the realm of Bella's understated beauty and slight awkwardness, is missing my favorite part about Bella; her surprisingly enlightened introspection and ability to voice many concerns of women (of all ages) in a fairly cliched yet nonetheless resounding way.

The film representations are truly atrocious, hellacious, disappointing, etc. All Pattinson's Edward does is brood (I use the term loosely because Pattinson fails to really capture the art of externalizing the torment within without looking like he was just lobotomized) while looking alarmingly anemic, and the rest of the Cullen clan are acceptably one-dimensional. Carlisle is wise, Esme is warm (you can tell by her smile! wow! mom??), Rosalie is a bitch, Emmett is a gorilla ("my monkey man"), Alice is quirky (the haircut gives it away!), Jasper is hungry, the end. Nothing exciting there. The only character that is remotely complicated for the audience is Bella, and only in that we can't understand why she keeps stuttering and twitching. New Moon introduces Jacob, which is good eye candy fun. He's probably my favorite film character at this point (re: abs.)He would also qualify as a complicated character, but only because we can't understand why he likes Bella.

However, there is the redemption of the series in film of the glory that is Breaking Dawn. I for one cannot understand for the life of me how this ridiculous yet delicious plot will manage to be adapted to the screen. To successfully frame how truly ridiculous the last book is in relation to its preceding trilogy, I need to break down the events in a clear, dry, way.

Book One, Twilight: Bella meets soul mate Edward, differences in species complicate relationship, Bella gets bit, Edward blames himself, the prom.

Book Two, New Moon: Edward abandons Bella out of misguided shot at her salvation, Bella cozies up to childhood friend Jacob who is a werewolf, diabolical vampire Victoria tries to kill Bella, fails, Bella saves the suicidal Edward.

Book Three, Eclipse: Edward and Jacob both vie for Bella's love, Edward wins, Victoria dies, Bella and Edward get engaged. That's literally it.

Okay, are you ready for this? I don't think you are. I don't think the poor script writers are, I don't think the actors are, I don't think America is.

Book Four, Breaking Dawn: Edward and Bella get married,jet off to Cullen family Brazilian island, Edward and Bella have sex which ends in Bella's absolute bliss but also is apparently so rigorous that Bella is rendered unconscious and wakes with bruises which cover her entire body (plot point: do the roads of sexual satisfaction and mass blood clotting meet??), is impregnated with half-mortal half-vampire baby that is literally eating away at her and growing about four times as fast as a normal human child, Bella refuses to abort said halfsy fetus despite the fact that its breaking her ribs and eventually severs her spine, Edward wastes away watching Bella waste away, begs Jacob to impregnate her so her maternal instinct can be fulfilled, the human Bella begins drinking blood to satisfy whatever the hell is growing in her, during delivery Edward gives Bella a C-section with his teeth (!!!!), Jacob falls in love with the baby girl (um), Bella's daughter bites her mom's boob (wholly unnecessary), Edward quickly turns Bella into a vamp to save her life. Pause, breathe. Weird halfsy baby with weird halfsy name causes international vampire scandal, 80% of the world's vampires with largely unnecessary background stories end up in Forks for a huge showdown, Volturi appear, the day is saved because Bella's mind can conveniently protect a small principality.

If that isn't reason enough to stay invested in the series, I don't know what is. If Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson pull this off, bite my boob and call me Renesmee.