File Under "Yikes"

1. The LOST series.

before you start chanting that series of truly random numbers that really only arbitrarily pervade the LOST series at me, i would like to let everyone know that I have, in fact, watched the entire series, and seen every episode, some of them twice. there are two things i liked about the show: the beautiful landscape, and how hot some of the actors were. so basically the scenery and the scenery. for me, LOST was a labyrinthine collection of "tortured", moronic characters with amazingly arbitrary and entirely unexplained allusions that quickly became (however abstrusely) redundant and self-indulgent and ultimately offered no actual satisfaction.

2. Governor Scott Walker's "budget repair bill".

i don't want to get too much into this because it's already everywhere but it is truly beyond me that many people don't see what's actually going on. there's a reason most academics are liberal: it's because they are smarter than you. this whole attack on unions is only thinly veiled as "budget repair", and people who don't see through that are stupid. nothing in politics is new, it's the same shit. Walker is masquerading as a civil servant while cashing in from the GOP which has successfully convinced a portion of the middle class that letting the wealthiest 1% of our country do whatever the fuck they want is good for the economy.

3. conservative legislature against Planned Parenthood, abortion, and stem cell research.

all three of these conservative obsessions are the pathetic, modern manifestations of Christianity's rich history of sex-shaming. i know america is all politically correct and God is a beautiful benevolent being and jesus is your savior or whatever, but religion has been systematically ruining everything for just about 3000 years. doesn't our legislative body have anything better to do than worry about women's decisions about whether or not to have a baby? is that seriously priority one? and where in the world do conservatives get off on this ridiculous hatred of stem cell research? stem cells are MICROSCOPIC PLASMA. i don't care what the bible says (almost ever); that is not a baby. maybe if you let the actually intelligent people do the research all these presumptuous american citizens could stop bitching about not having healthcare, or whatever.

4. actors/actresses saying that they are "blessed".

how pretentious is that? just say it, you are SOME combination of talented and lucky. the exact ratio varies.

5. katy perry and rihanna.

these two are fiery, SEXY entertainers (omg!!!!!), but they can't sing their own songs without the help of a recording studio. if you can't hit the notes in a song every time, that means you can't sing that song. Re: "Firework" and "Love the Way You Lie". (subtext: gaga wins*.)

6. Justin Bieber's opinion on Gaga's fashion/aesthetic sensibilities.

as quoted from his appearance on Chelsea Lately, in response to Gaga's entrance to the Grammys, Bieber astutely noted: "People say it's artistic and stuff. I'm just like, 'you're an egg.'"

...

thank god america (& canada?) has minds like Bieber's to sedulously dissect the nuances of modern art.

*for future reference, dear readers, "gaga wins" is always the subtext of my work.