Dr. Douchebag & Awesome Sluts Vol. I

[Despite the title this is not about cheesy porn, sorry to disappoint.]

Ali here, blogging from the couch. Scintillating, I know. I'm watching Chelsea Handler and for whatever inane reason, Dr. Drew Pinsky, that Hollywood "rehab" hack, is judging the shit out of Miley Cyrus for the now-notorious video wherein she smokes salvia.

First of all, it's obviously just awesome the Cyrus is tripping with her friends instead of "dating" Taylor Lautner and sleeping with Hollywood's worst playboy and writing mediocre songs about it, all the while clinging desperately to some ridiculous, infantilized, virginal ideal. Anywayz... more on that later.

Cyrus 18. She's clearly been wanting to slut it up since she was 14, when she first realized that she was a pop icon and that she could date hot aussies. I think we should congratulate her for making it to 18 without any DUIs or sex tapes. 18 is the age that you should be smoking weed with your friends which should be considering more scandalous than smoking salvia, seeing as the latter is actually legal, but whatever...

So, why is Dr. Drew suggesting she "get help"? Obviously, Billy Ray will tweet some shit about disappointment, and TMZ and E! will speculate about the public's reaction to it in a shocked and scandalous tone, but honestly, this shit is legal. Thank god Pinsky is on a show as irreverent as Chelsea Lately, because as soon as Pinsky tried to lace his "joking manner" (i use this term loosely. every time Pinsky tries to be funny a D-list celebrity injects meth into their eyeballs) with serious hints that Cyrus should seek help, Chelsea and the other panel guests would shove his bullshit back in his face with comments like "when are you even a doctor", and "why would you want celebrities to get clean, your career is based off the probability they won't".

While salvia isn't exactly my thread count of Egyptian cotton, it's not the predecessor of some sort of Lohanian breakdown of Cyrus' in the future. Might this happen anyway? Possibly. But I'd hazard a guess that Cyrus and her friends were driving back from somewhere and passed the token, weird, goth shop (Madison's is called Amsterdam) and were like oh em gee Miley, it's totes your bee day, and decided to trip. The media is obviously about to try to make this a huge deal, but Pinsky is just vainly trying to assert his legitimacy in the public eye.

I hate "Dr." Drew Pinsky. Why is he awkwardly toned? Go be a real doctor. And I think Miley Cyrus has too many teeth but I so respect her for acting out and wearing slutty clothes and having awkward stripper hair, because at least she isn't pretending, or adhering to absolute caricatures of the least constructive sort of archaic feminine archetypes, ahem, Schmaylor Schwift.

I'm up too late and ranting.